I’m a “Bad Person”
So it turns out my life is not one where there is any space for blogging. So some 3 plus months later I thought it might be time. Full disclosure, this is not where I thought this blog would go. It is what it is. Within the last 3 months my job as a nursing home physician has gotten immensely busier and harder with the acuity I am seeing. For those of you who are in the medical field but are unaware of what practicing in this setting looks like, imagine 3rd world resources but first world acuity of illness and expectations of patients and families. My Hospice work is ever growing and ever more challenging, although I am grateful to now have help from a colleague. My child officially became a teenager. Between rounds, notes, getting a growing teenage boy fed and to and from school, activities, a puppy walked and to daycare, calls, patient care, more notes, I barely have time to do any self-care, whatever that means.
In the last 3-4 years, I have watched male physician colleagues manage to develop hobbies, get promoted, while still being considered family men because they often have a female spouse who does literally everything else for their family, including the mental work of even having to delegate when the man might do something helpful. I’ve seen my female colleagues, even those who have spouses, still struggle with the same lack of meaningful adult help while they’re working and responsible for all the house management or mental work of delegating and outsourcing the logistics. At the same time, knowing I am an only parent and working in the medical field, some have called me Superwoman. It was meant as a compliment and I used to see it as such, however I have come to resent the term. Being called Superwoman is not a compliment. I don’t want to have to be resilient, strong, capable, independent, all these things women are expected to be all the time without thought because we are conditioned to think making choices that prioritize ourselves and our own wellbeing are somehow selfish and wrong. What I really want is help, support, and community, and if I can’t have those, then to be left alone to do what I have to do for me and mine, without constant requests adding more to my plate because people think I am super human. I am not.
Recently I had someone who I had been close with once ask to chat with me after I left a kind, no expectation of response voicemail, noting we were thinking of them and wishing them well. They responded wanting to chat. Based on the text exchange leading up to our eventual phone conversation, I thought this person just wanted to catch up. So I accommodated the request. It turns out, said person (naturally it was a he), wanted to yell at me for I don’t even know what. I think they were hurt that I set boundaries at a point in the relationship which led to distance, and then further had some misinformation from a mentally ill family member of mine whom they are still in contact with. He ended the phone call by stating “Shannon Tapia you are a BAD PERSON, DO BETTER” and then hung up. Honestly this is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
If being kind to someone who once hurt me is being a bad person, I’ll be a bad person. If finally knowing my worth and that I don’t have to settle for being treated poorly or gaslit into thinking I need to be ever self-giving until my cup is completely empty, I’ll be a bad person. If finally standing up for my needs and wants rather than always putting those around me first means I am a bad person, I will gladly be a bad person. If telling my kid I can’t get him to one of his numerous practices one night because I started my period, had a shit day and frankly just need a minute means I am bad, I’ll be so bad. If refusing to let my son’s biological father ignore my son’s boundaries and thus not acquiescing to time requests that my son is not comfortable with makes me a bad person, I’ll be the absolute worst of the bad. If it’s bad to show my kid that I am human, often wrong, make mistakes and then often have to apologize and try to do better, I’ll be a bad mom. If needing distance from toxic family dynamics or family members who are incapable of respecting boundaries makes me a bad daughter, sister, whatever, then I’ll be the bad family member. If allowing myself to be human, have needs, create and hold boundaries to allow my needs to get met, and to explore loving myself first means I am bad, then yes, I am finally becoming horrible.
In high school I was once called an “Amazon Bitch” by a teenage boy when I stood up for my best friend. I was taller, and I didn’t tolerate people messing with those I loved. Still back then, I knew how to stand up, care for and protect those I loved before I knew how to do it for myself. I didn’t know I was allowed to do it for myself. I took it as a compliment back then. Today, I have evolved, and more than just an Amazon Bitch, I am a fully Bad Person, and I am ok with it. Please act accordingly.
Sincerely,
Shannon Tapia MD – a bad person
